Ryan Adams & Laura Marling

At the age of 21, Laura Marling is the author of 3 very solid albums.  At 32, I often ask, “why bother?” in reference to cutting my toenails.

Here is Marling doing her best Emmylou on Ryan Adams’ “Oh My Sweet Carolina.”

Governor Brownback Flips Out At High Schooler’s Tweet – Probably Going To Write Something Mean On Bathroom Stall

"One thing I hope the Kansas Youth in Gov't participants took away is that criticism and dissent will land you in detention."

It has been a while since Sam Brownback was in the national news criticizing the Gays, creepily C-Streeting, or pretending evolution is a false prophesy of the Big Chimp lobbying machine.  Looks like he met his match.

Emma Sullivan, an 18-year old high school senior, was at an event in Topeka this past Monday for Kansas Youth in Government, which was addressed by Brownback. During the event, Sullivan posted to her Twitter account:

Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot

Haha. So simple, yet so effective to get a rise out of the thin-skinned (but oh yeah, I’m a turn-the-other-cheek Catholic) governor.

Brownback’s office flagged the tweet to the event organizers, who in turn passed the complaint on to Sullivan’s school. This got her called to the principal’s office:

The principal “laid into me about how this was unacceptable and an embarrassment,” Sullivan said. “He said I had created this huge controversy and everyone was up in arms about it … and now he had to do damage control.

“I’m mainly shocked that they would even see that tweet and be concerned about me,” she said. “I just honestly feel they’re making a lot bigger deal out of it than it actually was.”

Sullivan said the principal ordered her to write letters of apology to Brownback, the school’s Youth in Government sponsor, the district’s social studies coordinator and others.

According to TPM, Sullivan didn’t say any of these things to Brownback. “Some of my friends were joking about what they’d really like to say (to Brownback), so I just took out my phone” she told the paper. “I guess it was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing.”

A professional politician can’t handle the scathing internet LOLZ of a high school student. Maybe it hit a little too close to home.

Follow Emma Sullivan on twitter @emmakate988.

Aspiring State Senator Probably Going To End Up As Maxim Advice Columnist

Mitsch-mentum?

Meet Phil Mitsch. State Senate Candidate. Realtor. Man.

Mitsch, a retired real estate broker running in a heavily Democratic district in Camden County, told The Philadelphia Inquirer he was actually advising men with his Twitter post. He told his 44,000 followers on Sept. 2: “Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.”

It’s good for your Old Lady to compartmentalize, though he forgot to add – “and never shit, even in the bathroom.”

Some GOP leaders asked Mitsch to withdraw from the race, so Phil logically doubled down on the misogyny.

“That’s a great tip,” he said at a meeting Wednesday with the editorial board. “That shows the utmost respect for women. … What I was trying to say to men was, ‘Men, look, if you got to go out and play around and you can’t be honest with a woman and respect her, then you’re better off just doing pay, play, and get the ‘F’ away.'”

Teach your children well.

Transformers’ Brain Trust Can’t Handle Divergent Opinions On Moderately Accessible Female Musician

BOOM!

I was reading Pitchfork’s review of the new Feist album in order to formulate an original opinion. Then a link caught my eye.

This is (by far) the best nugget I’ve taken from the site.

Shia LaBeouf learned how to play with others on action-movie sets, which may help explain why he’s often ready for a fight. One scrape last October during the filming of “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” at Florida’s Kennedy Space Center pitted the young actor against director Michael Bay over a song.

With military and NASA personnel watching, Bay and his leading man were shooting an emotional sequence from the script’s third act on a shuttle launchpad at Cape Canaveral. To put himself in a somber frame of mind, LaBeouf plugged his iPod into some speakers and started playing a wistful ballad, Feist’s “Brandy Alexander.”

“Yeah, it’s a little feminine, but it touches me,” LaBeouf says, starting to pepper his recollection with more expletives than are allowed in the PG-13 film. “I feel something when I hear it. … But Mike doesn’t want to listen to ‘Brandy Alexander’ under the rocket with 50 military dudes around.”

Bay unplugged the actor’s iPod, LaBeouf says, and replaced it with his own, cueing up the propulsive, orchestral “The Dark Knight” score. “I take him aside, I’m like, ‘Mike, this is the most important moment in the movie for me. The crux of my whole character, my whole arc. That doesn’t work for me, dude.’ … Now it’s two dudes ready to kill each other. … Spit’s flying.” According to LaBeouf, Bay left the set with the NASA/military entourage, and his director of photography finished shooting the sequence without him. (Bay declined to be interviewed for this piece.)

After much deliberation, 2 armored truck explosions, and a Red Bull/vodka-induced LaBeouf temper tantrum, the 2 douchebags settled on that Aerosmith song from Armageddon.

After working on three “Transformers” movies together, the 25-year-old actor says, Bay is “sort of my big brother. …We’re both very game, very passionate people. Sometimes it’s not actor-director. Sometimes it’s two dudes yelling over explosions. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like the friendliest conversation. But we love each other.”

The greatest love story Bay has produced.

As for Feist, the new album is pretty good. Graveyard is a beautiful song. I’d give it about a 7.8. Nahhh, 7.7.

Republicans Cool With Country’s Failure, a/k/a – All Class

It’s like they’re in the Andrew Luck derby.  If the country sucks enough, it’s more likely their tribe will win.  Unfortunately, we’ve seen the debates. There’s no Andrew Luck in that crew. (Perry’s probably the closest – Texan with decent arm strength)

So though the country will still suck, they can sleep easy on their bed of concrete and McGriddle wrappers.

In the new CNN poll, Republicans are the only group that wants Obama’s policies to fail. From the internals:

In general, do you hope that Barack Obama’s policies will succeed or do you hope that his policies will fail?

Republicans: Succeed 39

Fail 51

By contrast, 66 percent of independents want his policies to succeed, and 67 percent of overall Americans want that, too.

Back in 2003, I was staunch in my opposition to the Iraq War.  Did that mean I didn’t want us to successfully bring glorious, oh glorious, corruption-free democracy to the Fertile Crescent? Eradicate all the (supposed) WMDs per Colin Powell’s polite request? Open up their first Citgo/Taco Bell?  Nope. I like to be right, but no correct prediction is worth $2 trillion and 100,000s of lives.

When the criminally immoral enterprise was exposed and the operation itself shown to be an absolute shitshow, did I speak about it with a sense of smug haughtiness? Yes. Yes I did. I ‘told you so’ people all over town. However, (dare I say) wanting the sitting president to fail is pretty anti-American.  You know who else wants America to fail? Terr’ists!!! and maybe the Chinese gymnastics team.

here’s the rub…

Even more interesting, when Republicans are then asked about some of the Obama policy ideas themselves — without Obama’s name attached to them — majorities support them.

So to sum it up: GOP 2011 – We’re going to scream loudly about what ails this country because it’s not sick enough to guarantee an election victory.

All class.

Gratuitous Video – Jay Cutler Channels What Pretty Much Every Bears’ Fan Wants To Say To Mike Martz

Behind the curtain.

 

Philadelphia – Shaming William Penn One Day At A Time

During Wednesday’s Flyers’ game, Philly fans managed to clear enough drool out of their mouths to boo an intermission video featuring some of their rivals’ star players.  That video? “Hockey Fights Cancer.”  Of course it was.

Of course, when I think about Lance Armstrong I get slightly less “anti-cancer.”  But I’m an asshole, so that doesn’t mean much.  Bill Burr sums it up pretty well. “The whole pride of your city is built around a fucking guy who doesn’t even exist…”  and “Remember they had that one season when they wore the slacks…”

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Daniela Pestova is 41 today. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

Herman Cain Steals Tax Plan From PBS Children’s Show

Herman Cain is the latest Flavor of the Week competing with Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination.  That flavor is ‘pepperoni.’ Cain has been touting his unfeasible and regressive 9-9-9 tax plan, and MAN is it catchy.

However, I just can’t shake the feeling I’ve heard this all before. In song.

I loved Square One when I was a kid.  Its run coincided with the peak of my Mathematical ability.  godspeed, Mr. Cain. May your shitty pizza fortune spring forth more catchy proposals + maybe next time include Count Von Count.

Republicans Love Females – And By That I Mean Fetuses Possibly Developing Vaginas

Lipinski - probably going as himself for Halloween.

Unemployment has been an issue since late 2008. The GOP stormed the 2010 elections on a “Jobs First” platform. A year later, no jobs legislation and the economy’s only growth sector is ‘K-Street Fluffers.’  So what happened to “Jobs First?” Well…they’ll eventually get around to proposing tax cuts for the wealthy and further poisoning our air and water, henceforth saving our shattered republic.  However, they first have to soften up the job market by endangering women’s health.

H.R. 358 – The Protect Life Act (hilarious!) is coming to the House floor soon.  What we have here is a classic 2-Fer:

1.  The bill would permit federally funded hospitals to refuse abortion services even to women who would likely die without the procedure.

2.  The bill would deny federal funding to a health care plan that offers to pay for abortion services even in life-threatening  circumstances.

This provision would apply to the more than 600 Catholic hospitals governed by the Catholic Health Association, which are regulated by bishops and prohibited from performing abortions.  So I’m sure nothing could go wrong there.

Said majority-weasel Eric Cantor, “We will bring to the floor a bill to ensure that no taxpayer dollars flow to health care plans that cover abortion and no health care worker has to participate in abortions against their will,” he said.

“First, Do No Harm!” “First, I’m only going to do the parts of my job I enjoy.”

To be fair, the GOP is not alone in proposing this woman-hating, zygote-friendly proposal.  I would be remiss if I didn’t point out my former rep and current shriveled, reanimated corpse of Anthony Perkins – nepotistic jellyfish Dan Lipinski (D-IL 03). He’s a fantastic exhibit as to the virtues of rubbers and other contraception.  He’s co-sponsoring the Bill, but miraculously his website is scrubbed of this information.

Read the bill here, and the predictably reasonable take of the Catholic Church over at Mother Jones.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Paul Simon turns flippin’ 70 today.  He still has it, as evidenced by his decent + recent So Beautiful Or So What album.

 

Check out Simon Live In Osaka, 1974.  Good stuff.

America Loves Cultural Abominations Jersey Shore, Manning-less Colts’ Football

I don’t know what’s more confounding – an ugly MNF game absolutely pasting fantastic post-season baseball, or the continued allure of the gonorrhea-promoting MTV reality hit.

Pauly D, sporting Colts' shirt and accompanying helmet.

Who am I kidding? I watched them both.

Rankings for the top 15 programs on cable networks as compiled by Nielsen for the week of Oct. 3-9. Day and start time (EDT) are in parentheses:

1. NFL Football: Indianapolis at Tampa Bay (Monday, 8:30 p.m.), ESPN, 8 million homes, 10.83 million viewers.

2. Major League Baseball Division Series: Detroit at N.Y. Yankees (Thursday, 8 p.m.), TBS, 7.15 million homes, 9.72 million viewers.

3. Major League Baseball Division Series: St. Louis at Philadelphia (Friday, 8:54 p.m.), TBS, 5.88 million homes, 8.38 million viewers.

4. Major League Baseball Division Series: N.Y. Yankees at Detroit (Tuesday, 8:30 p.m.), TBS, 5.23 million homes, 7.01 million viewers.

5. “Jersey Shore” (Thursday, 10 p.m.), MTV, 4.96 million homes, 6.59 million viewers.

6. Major League Baseball Division Series: N.Y. Yankees at Detroit (Monday, 9 p.m.), TBS, 4.46 million homes, 6.04 million viewers.

7. Major League Baseball Division Series: Philadelphia at St. Louis (Tuesday, 5:20 p.m.), TBS, 3.5 million homes, 4.61 million viewers.

8. Major League Baseball Division Series: Arizona at Milwaukee (Friday, 5 p.m.), TBS, 3.45 million homes, 4.59 million viewers.

9. Major League Baseball Division Series: Philadelphia at St. Louis (Wednesday, 6 p.m.), TBS, 3.4 million homes, 4.5 million viewers.

Let’s Be Honest, If George Bush Was Still In Charge I Would Go Absolutely Ape

Nothing to see here.

WASHINGTON — American militants like Anwar al-Awlaki are placed on a kill or capture list by a secretive panel of senior government officials, which then informs the president of its decisions, according to officials.

There is no public record of the operations or decisions of the panel, which is a subset of the White House’s National Security Council, several current and former officials said. Neither is there any law establishing its existence or setting out the rules by which it is supposed to operate.

The panel was behind the decision to add Awlaki, a U.S.-born militant preacher with alleged al Qaeda connections, to the target list. He was killed by a CIA drone strike in Yemen late last month.

The role of the president in ordering or ratifying a decision to target a citizen is fuzzy. White House spokesman Tommy Vietor declined to discuss anything about the process.

The first rule of ‘Kill List’ is that you can’t talk about ‘Kill List.’   No, just kidding. Even MSNBC is investigating it and there are still no ramifications for the extra-constitutional exercise of executive powers.  The only rules are don’t get caught fucking interns, always carry your long-form birth certificate, and don’t be photographed playing tennis.

We can talk about this because no one in the wise Establishment really cares about constitutionality in the realm of civil liberties anymore.  The only rights we need to preserve are (1) guns (2) not taxing millionares, (3) something about light bulbs,  and (4) keeping our debt to GDP ratio lower than during the 80s. also…competitive eating.

As I discussed last week, the voices of civil libertarians have been marginalized even further in the Obama administration.  What are they going to do?  Elect Romney? hilarious. Now some secret panel is killing American citizens, with no explanation as to protocol or justification.

Just because the Obama administration is way better at exterminating its targets than its predecessor doesn’t make it legal.

Two principal legal theories were advanced, an official said: first, that the actions were permitted by Congress when it authorized the use of military forces against militants in the wake of the attacks of September 11, 2001; and they are permitted under international law if a country is defending itself.

Ya, sure. We’re just going to throw this shit out there. What are you going to do? Say we shouldn’t defend ourselves?! 9/11 sayswhatnow?

This isn’t about al-Awlaki. The guy  was probably an evil asshole.  The lesson here is that people don’t trust government, but if a secret government panel is killing american citizens, despite the they may not be indicted for anything, we don’t really care. Especially if they’re brown and bearded.   Don’t tread on me!!! But yeah, go ahead and tread over someone from a different tribe. And by tread, I mean kill with a drone strike launched from a Nevada bunker by a minivan-driving father of 3.

Roger Ailes’ Moment Of Transparency

Decrepit Nixonian Assbag Roger Ailes on why Fox News hired Human Infomercial, Sarah Palin:

“I hired Sarah Palin because she was hot and got ratings,” he declares.

hot?

or not?

Fox News’ GOP-establishment driven messaging is shamefully self-evident. However, I completely agree with Ailes that Palin’s hire was driven by cosmetic considerations.  If I’m looking for someone who can articulate the agenda I’m trying to propagate, I’m not going to go with the person who thinks Paul Revere is the guy who rode his F-150 to warn the British that Obama is killing Israel.

However, if I want to sell advertising, I’m going to hire the woman who inexplicably has legions of devoted followers who throw money at her, even though the woman hasn’t accomplished or completed anything of substance.

And some people apparently thinks she’s hot, though I think the caveat “if you’re into that sort of thing” or  “for a republican” should always be included with that description.

So there ya go, Roger. Couldn’t agree more.  Congratulations on your brief trek into the territory of the truthful.

For the record, this is my first Sarah Palin-related post since 1/20/10.  I’m pretty awesome.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Susan Sarandon, decent actress and mildly irritating Hollywood liberal, was born a MILF in New York on this day in 1946.  She has starred in such films as Igby Goes Down and Bull Durham.  She is married to Andy Dufresne.

The NFL’s Best Receiver Is On Pace To Score 32 Touchdowns

Megatron…Geeeeez

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Wilco

 Wilco – The Whole Love

The front palette is a complex blend of stone fruits and minerals, a contrast to recent vintages, while it finishes with perfectly balanced acidity.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while:  facedown in an antipasto platter.

If I Didn’t Have A Dove In My Pants Right Now…

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. 30-year-old walks into a bar in a quickly gentrifying part of town.  After blending in with completely ordinary anecdotes, conversation turns to canceled cult hit ‘Arrested Development,’ and before you know it, everyone is doing their best Gob Bluth impression. The ice is broken!

Eventually, a couple “there’s always money in the banana stand” later, and some biscuit is leaving her button-clad messenger bag next to your nightstand. The gateway to sex for functioning people with minor social awkwardness.  The show was that good.

And stop me if you’ve heard this before – there may be more material in the works.

At an “Arrested Development” reunion Sunday at the New York Festival, the creators and cast announced plans for a new TV show that spins off the short-lived but critically acclaimed TV show, which went off the air in 2006 after just three seasons. They also discussed more concrete plans for a much-awaited movie.

Creator Mitchell Hurwitz said the spinoff will feature nine or ten episodes focusing on each character and leading up to the movie. The first scene of the movie will be all the characters reunited…

Shooting for the TV show is tentatively set to begin next summer.

The movie doesn’t have a release date, Hurwitz said, adding that the creative aspects have been largely worked out, but the business side is still being negotiated.

“We’re all game,” he said. “We’ve hated being coy, but we’ve been trying to put together this ambitious idea.”

Anyway, My gut is telling me no… but my gut is also very hungry.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Ashlee Simpson. Born October 3, 1984 in Waco, Texas (imagine that) to some woman and a weirdly inappropriate father.

Here’s her best work.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Quick, name a living photographer.  No, not the spectacled co-worker you follow on instagram who uses the cool sepia tones. Someone famous. Like the Wyclef Jean of photography.

Happy birthday Annie Liebvowitz. She turns 62 today, and yes, Wyclef Jean is the Annie Lebvowitz of famous Haitians.

Here’s her best work:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Go Badgers!

Illinois Rep. Wants To Spend Money On Guns, Not Child Support

Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh is embarrassed for our state.  And no, it’s not because Illinois State Fossil is the tully monster – a soft-bellied amphibian.  Really, Governor Thompson? What the shit?

Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL) told an audience in Illinois that he was ashamed of his state for not allowing concealed handguns, warning that they were the “last line of defense” if Americans need to revolt against their government.

“We are an embarrassment (in Illinois),” Walsh said Tuesday night at a Tea Party rally, according to The Daily Herald. “We are the last state standing when it comes to concealed carry. There’s no issue when it comes to freedom that matters like this, like the Second Amendment. The most important amendment in that Bill of Rights is the Second Amendment. It protects every other amendment. It is the last line of defense between us and our government.”

Well I’m sold.  To date, I just assumed the best way for the people of Walsh’s district to defend themselves from Walsh (govt) would just be to vote him out of office in 2012.  Haha, voting isn’t as important as filling a shoulder holster! If you’re not going to pick up a gun (or at least inanely bloviate about the subject) then go square dance with a bluegill you tully monster-loving dandy.

Oh, that was sarcasm. But seriously – there’s probably no bigger embarrassment to the state of Illinois than the Bears’ O-Line fuckface Joe Walsh.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Zach Galifianakis is having a birthday today. He is 42.

The nerve of this guy! He’s everywhere these days. Like a female Jane Lynch.  Well anyway, happy birthday, Galifianakis. “Mark it under, ‘Who gives a shit?'”

 

10 Commandments For Aspiring GOP Presidential Candidates

GOP candidates are quick to indicate certain position points are inspired or dictated by their creator, Reagan Yahweh, or as Republican debate audiences would call him, “Boo!! Socialist!” Here are 10 to live by:

1.    Thou shall not steal unless committing theft with an Invisible Hand.  (R. Paul)

2.    Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. But if you do, he’ll still probably execute the guy if he’s convicted, so don’t sweat it. (R. Perry)

3.    Thou shall not commit adultery  this to memory. (N. Gingrich)

4.    Thou shall not commit adultery…but no one would really blame you, Michelle. (M. Bachmann)

5.    Thou shall seem reasonable relative to colleagues and be rewarded with a plague of Debate Crickets. (J. Huntsman)

6.    Thou shall not forget the free 2-Liter of Soda with every delivery of $20 or more.  (H. Cain)

7.    Remember the Google, to keep it holy.   For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all the frothy fecal matter that is in them, and on the seventh day created Google to put it all on an easy to use search engine.  (R. Santorum)

8.    Thou shall not, shall thou? Yeah, I don’t know. Something about triathlons and privatizing prisons. Yahweh is pretty indifferent here. (Gary Johnson)

9.     Thou shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s, including his conservative street cred. (M. Romney)

10.  Thou shall not eat that 2nd strudel…haha just kidding, do whatever you want as long as you run. Seriously + Sincerely, GOPGOD (C. Christie)

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Eric Piatkowski (41).  Watch. How. Pike. Fly.

 

The Fog Of The White House

Jonathan Turley authored one of those op-ed things in today’s LA Times, or as I like to call it, the I-405 Contingency Plan. Publication aside, the George Washington Law Professor makes some painfully self-evident points about the Obama Administration and Civil Liberties.

because we didn't say so

Protecting individual rights and liberties — apart from the right to be tax-free — seems barely relevant to candidates or voters. One man is primarily responsible for the disappearance of civil liberties from the national debate, and he is Barack Obama. While many are reluctant to admit it, Obama has proved a disaster not just for specific civil liberties but the civil liberties cause in the United States.

Civil libertarians have long had a dysfunctional relationship with the Democratic Party, which treats them as a captive voting bloc with nowhere else to turn in elections. Not even this history, however, prepared civil libertarians for Obama. After the George W. Bush years, they were ready to fight to regain ground lost after Sept. 11. Historically, this country has tended to correct periods of heightened police powers with a pendulum swing back toward greater individual rights. Many were questioning the extreme measures taken by the Bush administration, especially after the disclosure of abuses and illegalities. Candidate Obama capitalized on this swing and portrayed himself as the champion of civil liberties.

However, President Obama not only retained the controversial Bush policies, he expanded on them. The earliest, and most startling, move came quickly. Soon after his election, various military and political figures reported that Obama reportedly promised Bush officials in private that no one would be investigated or prosecuted for torture. In his first year, Obama made good on that promise, announcing that no CIA employee would be prosecuted for torture. Later, his administration refused to prosecute any of the Bush officials responsible for ordering or justifying the program and embraced the “just following orders” defense for other officials, the very defense rejected by the United States at the Nuremberg trials after World War II.

Obama failed to close Guantanamo Bay as promised. He continued warrantless surveillance and military tribunals that denied defendants basic rights. He asserted the right to kill U.S. citizens he views as terrorists. His administration has fought to block dozens of public-interest lawsuits challenging privacy violations and presidential abuses.

I too believe the quick dismissal of investigating the previous administration’s criminal activities was a turning point in this no-longer-a-debate.   The perpetrators acted with impunity. The consequences left to be shouldered by the country as a whole, and specifically our ever-ready-and-weary volunteer armed forces.

For those who can only deal in military analogies, it’s similar to when the Americans came to the Filipinos aid, dispatched the Spanish out of the region with the help of Filipino rebels, and then subsequently planted the American flag and sent many of them to prison camps.  Obama/McKinley’s Korpse ’12!!!

This country has lost the will to fight and champion civil liberties.  Those who care about these founding principles have been defeated and muted as Obama has not even bothered to use his pulpit to advance the causes he once championed.  But hey, at least he’s trying to seek bipartisan solutions with a party that has no interest in solutions as long as there is a democrat in the White House.

Teabagger Dreads Efficient Terror Train

Georgia.

the Georgia Tea Party is arguing that [Cobb County] should abandon its light rail proposal because if the light rail line were to be completed, it would become a magnet for terrorist attacks. Here’s the group’s chair, J.D. Van Brink:

If anyone doesn’t believe me—England and Spain. Now, if we have a more decentralized mass transit system using buses, if the terrorists blow up a single bus, we can work around that. When they blow up a rail, that just brings the system to a grinding halt. So how much security are we going to have on this rail system, and how much will it cost?

That’s true. You can lose a few bus riders and no one will know the difference.  Everyone else will go on as planned without the Greyhound Scrubs. Also, we should probably just tear down all skyscrapers + power plants as well. And planes. Yes. No more planes. Or highways. Or condensed urban areas.  Just busses and sprawl – the terrorists will never win…

Mascot Dong Costume Now Available For Some Alpha Furry To Purchase

The Amarillo Sox got a new costume for their mascot the other night. It lasted one evening…

 

Pick it up on EBay – Starting Bid $5,000.  

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The War On Drugs

 The War On Drugs – Slave Ambient

This delightful offering brings qualities both serene and intense, a wild berry heavy vintage that complements nearly anything.

Grade: A

Listen to this while:  pointing out that cumulonimbus cloud that looks like Sanjay Gupta attempting a backdive.

In Real Life, Weekend At Bernie’s Isn’t Quite As Light-Hearted

What would you do if you found your friend dead on the couch?

• A. Call 9-1-1.
• B. Steal his shoes and gold fillings.
• C. Display natural human emotions such as fear/sadness.
• D. Shave his eyebrows and draw on him with permanent marker.
• E. Criminally recreate one of history’s most often-referenced-without-having-viewed movies.

Here you go.

Young, aka, "The Brains"

Then, on Aug. 27, Young arrived around 11 p.m. at Jarrett’s southeast Denver home in the 1800 block of South Forest Street and found him unresponsive. Rather than calling 911, he went to the restaurant where Rubinson works, according to court documents.

A search warrant affidavit filed in the case outlines the rest of the night:

The pair returned to Jarrett’s home, loaded him into Rubinson’s Lincoln Navigator and took him to Teddy T’s bar and grill. Jarrett’s body remained in the backseat while the pair drank on his tab.

Teddy T’s – Where every Saturday is Ladies’/Corpse Night!

They next stopped at Sam’s No. 3 before dropping off Jarrett’s body back at his home. But they kept the ATM card.

Rubinson, aka, "The Rainmaker"

Next stop was a meal at Viva Burrito, and then they somehow withdrew $400 at Shotgun Willie’s, remaining at the Glendale strip club until closing time, Ford writes. It’s not clear from the documents if the pair had Jarrett’s ATM code.

Around 4 a.m. authorities say the pair flagged down a Glendale police officer and told him that Jarrett might be dead back at his house.

…Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

So how did they use the ATM card?? Through diligent efforts of Law Enforcement, I hope the secrets of this diabolical pair are exposed, and our American corpses are left to rot in peace.  This money was supposed to go to the guy’s family…and/or a pointless Tebow billboard.